Abandonment is an ugly word, and the emotions it conjures up are just as unpleasant. If you have been left behind by someone you loved, or someone who was supposed to love and take care of you, you might be feeling like you are not good enough. You might be asking why they didn’t fight for me? “Abandonment issues can trigger depression, mistrust, and irrational amounts of fear. These issues affect daily life, careers, friendships, and romantic relationships.” If this sounds like you, I know exactly how you feel. When I was eight, my dad left us, and I only saw him sporadically until I was 24 and expecting my first child. We had a good relationship when we reconnected, but we never talked about why he left, and I never really got the closure I needed before he passed away.
But, you don’t have to continue feeling like a victim of your circumstances; you can reclaim your power and heal. But the one thing that requires is acknowledging how you feel. Don’t try to cover the pain or push it down. Stop telling yourself that it happened a long time ago, and it doesn’t matter. By acknowledging how you feel, you open the opportunities to heal and move on.
Acknowledging how you feel does not require you to confront the person who hurt you; if you do not want to, you can admit how you feel in your journal, speaking to a friend, a coach, or a therapist. When we stop trying to hide the hurt and do the work to heal, we reclaim our self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love, and no one can take that away from us.
I, like many of you, have had to work a job that raised my stress and anxiety levels every day I had to go in, which is sad because, “for many of us, a large portion of our days are spent at work; in fact, the average person will spend 90,000 hours at work over a lifetime.” So, what do you do when you find yourself working a job you just cannot stand? This can happen for a myriad of reasons; it might be your job duties, your work environment, the commute, or the personality of your supervisor. But even though you need the paycheck every two weeks, it gets harder and harder to force yourself to go to work.
Before you use up all your sick and vacation time, avoid the temptation to just quit. The situation might be salvageable. However, even if you decide to leave, it is best to do so with a plan. You can empower yourself to face a job that no longer serves your needs with the right strategy.
Before you give in to the urge to quit, consider these tips:
Understand exactly why you do not like your job. If you can pinpoint the challenges of your current position, you might be able to resolve them. At the very least, you can ensure the next job you take does not have the same issues. So, take time to sit quietly and make a list of what you do not like? Be specific!
Boss?
Hours?
Work environment?
Pay?
Co-workers?
Your job description or duties?
Change what you can. Do you have the power to change the aspects of your job that you do not like? For example, you might be able to alter your schedule or move to a different cubicle. There might be other positions within the company that would be a better use of your skillset. Whatever you do, avoid being a victim and look for ways to change your situation.
Develop your skills. There might be aspects of your current position that you simply cannot stand. But that does not mean you cannot learn valuable skills or get the necessary experience to move to the next level. List the benefits of your current position? What existing skills can you improve? What new skills can you learn?
Be grateful. I know this sounds hard, but gratitude is a great tool to help you get through the rough spots in your life. Make a list of all the benefits of having your job. Looking for the good in any situation will give you the strength you need to hold on until you can make a change.
Plan your exit strategy. We have all dreamt of flipping over a table and yelling; I quit as we walk gallantly out the door but do not make this move too quickly. Instead, take time to identify your options. What is the best choice you can make for your long-term future?
List the qualities you are looking for in your ideal job, boss, and co-workers.
What specifically do you not like about your current position?
What companies interest you? Why?
Will you need additional training to get your ideal job?
Will your current employer pay for that training?
When was the last time you updated your resume or CV?
Who can you reach out to for advice or job leads?
What is your current financial picture?
How long will you be able to pay in bills without your current paycheck?
The most important tip I have for you is to be patient. Patience is a virtue and much needed during this time of transition. When you make decisions too quickly, you might regret them later. Taking your time will ensure that you are making the right move for yourself and your family. It might be uncomfortable now, but you will save yourself the wasted time and heartache when you do not plan your next move.
Everyone has dealt with a job they do not like; this would be a great time to reach out to a friend or trusted colleague and ask for their advice. Just know you are not alone, and before you quit, you can take a deep breath and plan your escape with intention and grace.
Our new E-Book and Workbook selection from The Courageous Woman’s Book Club is entitled The Courageous Woman’s Guide to Stop Thinking Like a Victim. This book was difficult for me to complete; as I worked through the exercises myself, I began to release the mind demons holding me captive. Finally, I realized that my thinking like a victim had helped me settle into my role as a casualty of my life way too comfortably, and it cost me money, time, relationships, and dignity. So, I wrote this book and workbook to help other women reclaim their lives from the trauma, disappointment, and betrayal that threatened to take them out.
My question to you is, is a victim mindset keeping you from living up to your full potential and delaying your life’s purpose? Do you feel that people get in your way and are plotting to keep you inside your current situation? Do you feel because of past circumstances, you are not meant to succeed? Or have you been let down so often by others that you have lost your self-confidence? I am here to tell you that despite the frustrations, setbacks, and the lack of trust you may have in others, you can change how you think and create the life you want to live.
Thinking like a victim is not an isolated event; it can negatively permeate every area of your life, including your career, family, and other relationships.It can have a destructive impact on your ability to succeed at anything and trap you in a cycle of unhappiness and pain. Besides these soul-crushing effects of thinking like a victim, there is another negative consequence I would like you to consider. When you think that you’re always the victim, you might avoid taking responsibility for anything, and if that is the case, you also feel like there’s nothing you can do to solve your challenges.
Today I want to share with you five strategies that you can start using now to take back your life by taking responsibility for your situation and gaining the power to control how you react to your circumstances! Remember, change is scary even when trying to do something positive in your life, so let’s be brave; acknowledge that tackling your mindset is not easy, but it is necessary for a powerful life.
When you decide to try these strategies to dislodge your negative thinking and uproot your feelings of being a victim, you will set yourself free, and no one can do that for you except you. These strategies will help you to increase your awareness and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Increase your awareness. if you think like a victim, you cannot help but feel sorry for yourself. Feeling sorry for yourself is a heavy emotional weight to carry each day it drains your energy and blinds you to the positive things in your life. What you are aware of, you can control and change. You will become more intentional in how you live. When you feel your thinking steering you towards a thought of “why does this always happen to me,” you can recognize the belief and change course.
Stop waiting for someone to rescue you. If you have followed me for any time, you know I believe in creating a village to support you while you are on your healing journey, but you shouldn’t expect your support system to solve all your issues. If you’re bound by a victim mindset, you may be searching for someone to save you. However, this strategy can lead to more hurt feelings. So, while it may be tempting to turn to your friends, family, coworkers, or neighbors for help. It is unfair to put the weight of your recovery on the shoulders of others. You might believe that you cannot change without the assistance of other people. The truth is that you have the strength and power to change your own thoughts, but it will require you to recognize your inner courage and use it to change how you think. No one else can do this for you.
Be sure to take responsibility. Don’t take the easy way out of blaming your circumstances on other people. To heal this type of mindset, you must take control and acknowledge your own responsibility. Taking responsibility for how you think will move you one step closer to eliminating the victim mindset. This is how you take back your power and your life.
Try Prayer or meditation. Prayer and meditation is a powerful tool. It can calm the anxiety that change often brings and help you find peace. It can also help you turn inward, increase your self-awareness, and see your victim mindset. Both will help you to realize how your mind and body react to negativity or stress. This allows you to focus your energy and change your thought process. Now you can become an observer, find closure, and stop the victim cycle.
Discover and implement your favorite stress-relieving activity. Stress only perpetuates thinking like a victim.Meditation is one option I help my clients initiate for coping with stress. You may want to try yoga, swimming, running, walking, boxing, or other types of exercise. In addition, you can manage your stress by doing hobbies you love, such as knitting, reading, or drawing. Managing your stress will empower you and help you create a new mindset that is stronger and healthier.
You can reclaim your power as you experiment with different stress-relieving activity. In time you will learn how to avoid or diminish negative thinking in your personal space. Your first response will not be to blame others, your luck, or your circumstances. Instead, you will manage your emotions with calm and ease. It is time to regain your power.
With Peace and Love,
Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
Hey, I get it; being a single mom can be lonely and scary. Like everyone else, single moms want to be in a stable, loving relationship. The problem happens when we try to manifest those relationships before we’ve gotten ourselves, our children, and our households in order. When I learned that my ex-husband had started dating, I jumped headfirst into the dating scene. After 20 years of being with one guy, I thought how hard could it be for me to find someone new; he did it, so I tried to meet guys on dating apps, in clubs, and through mutual acquaintances. But I wasn’t ready, and my children weren’t ready. Maybe, like me, after seeing your ex with a new partner, your first inclination is to find someone new; I had to learn the hard way that whether I was dating or not, my household was complete.
Today, I want to share five things every single mom should attend to before they start dating. These are the things I wish someone had told me before I tried to start dating again. Now, as with any advice, you can take it or leave it, gleam what works for you and leave the rest. But, I promise you that if you take your time and work through this checklist when you decide to start dating, you will feel less overwhelmed, more in control, and just plain happier, and so will your kids. You will enjoy the experience more and choose partners who have what you want and not just because you are desperate to be part of a couple.
1. Heal: Make sure that you have healed from your past relationship. Break-ups are hard. Often, we blame the other person as much as we blame ourselves, and as painful as it is, we must allow ourselves to feel the pain of this loss. In my 12 years of working with single moms, I have found that it doesn’t matter how atrocious the relationship had become, or if the break-up was a mutual decision and you parted as friends, we still need to grieve. So, allow yourself time to go through the grieving process. The time is different for everyone; ending a relationship in which you have invested time, energy, and love will be hard on you emotionally, physically, and possibly financially. One surefire way to sabotage a new relationship is to bring the unpacked baggage from your old relationship into your new one.
2. Make Sure Your Kids Are Adjusting: Break-ups are hard on kids like you; they have come to depend on the other person being in their life. They need your assurance that everything is going to be okay. Sit down and speak with your children, answer their questions, and explain how things are going to work from now on, including visitation, living arrangements, and who will pick them up from school. Your child may be dealing with some anger and grief now that you and your ex have called it quits. Make sure that you have a stable routine, and don’t be afraid to find some professional help. As a Parent Advocate and Case Manager, I helped moms and dads find a licensed professional counselor to help their kids dealing with anxiety and depression. Some kids have a hard time processing this change in their family and begin to act out at home and school. It is impossible to deal with a brand-new relationship while trying to ensure that you and your children are adjusting well.
3. Organize Your Household: Create a morning and evening routine for yourself and your children. Routines help children to feel safe and more in control. It will decrease the amount of overwhelm you feel when trying to get through your day and deal with your feelings and their feelings. Get out the calendar and assign household chores, schedule homework, mealtimes, after-school activities, visitation, and family time. To make your mornings less stressful, you can layout everyone’s outfits for the following day, make sure backpacks and lunches are packed, sign all school-related paperwork, and set the table for breakfast the next day. As moms, our #1 job is to ensure that our children feel safe and secure in their environment. I promise when they feel safe and secure, you will be much happier.
4. Get Your Finances in Order: Use this time of uncoupling to organize your finances, create a simple budget that includes your income, debts, and savings. No matter how bleak your financial outlook appears, it’s crucial to handle the money that is going in and out of your home with care. I learned this the hard way. In the early years of my single parenting journey, not having a budget cost me thousands of dollars in late fees. I don’t want that to be your financial story. You may need to find a new job or go back to school to learn a new skill. But you will never get a handle on your finances until you get the courage to make a budget and write things down. The worst mistake I see single moms making is finding someone to help them with their household expenses. If someone is helping you financially-they are going to want a say in how your household operates and how you raise your children. Ask yourself, am I ready to share or give up control. Think of this as a time to simplify your life and focus on yourself and your children. You are a strong and capable woman able to take care of yourself and your children.
5. Create Your Village:“Children who have single parents will also have many supporters.” You can do this alone, but you do not have to do it alone. I do not know where my children and I would be right now if I did not support my family, friends, and church family. Raising children as a single mom is hard work; it can be physically, emotionally, and financially exhausting. You need someone in your corner to support you and your children. You need someone to vent to, relax with, and someone who will gladly watch your kids so that you can have some “me” time. Your village will include help for you and role models for your kids, so make sure that you vet everyone who comes into your circle to make sure that you share the same values. I know that single parenting can be lonely, and I would never tell you not to date again, but you can never be too careful with children in the mix. When flying solo, you only had to worry about your broken heart if things didn’t work out; as a mom, you now must watch out for the little hearts under your charge. Following one or all five tips will help you be sure that you and your children are ready when you invite a new personality into your household.
What’s your advice on single moms and dating? Post in the comments! With Peace and Love, Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”
Mel Robbins
Forgiveness is not easy, and anyone who tells you otherwise probably was not that angry to begin with; my journey towards forgiveness has been rocky, to be sure. But I do not want you to think I am asking you to consider doing something that I have not had to do myself. My childhood was rough; a lot happened to me that no child should experience; one of those events was when my day left us when I was eight. I only saw him sporadically for the next 16 years.
I blamed him for not being there to protect me from all the crap that I endured. When my first child was born, I had a decision to make, stay angry with my dad, I mean, who would blame me. There was a part of me that wanted to hold on to my anger and continue the cycle of pain and abandonment. I was used to those feelings; they felt safe, but how could I do that to my son? Have you become comfortable with your anger?
I chose to forgive, and my children have some of the best memories of Papa J.T. he never missed a church play or baseball game; he was the one they called when they missed the bus for school. And he and I patched up our relationship, which was so wonderful; when he died, I had no regrets.
No regrets, which was a beautiful side effect of me forgiving him, we developed a lovely relationship that we could not have had without me forgiving him. I will always be grateful.
If you chose not Failing to forgive will make you miserable. Creating and maintaining negative thoughts doesn’t feel good. Pleasant thoughts support an excellent mood. By refusing to forgive the person that wronged you, you’re harming yourself.
You’ll be stronger. Forgiveness can be challenging! Staying angry is easy in a certain way. Show yourself just how strong you are. Take a deep breath and forgive. It becomes easier with time.
Don’t let anyone tell you that forgiveness is easy; it is not, but if you want to get on with your life and create something beautiful without regrets, let go of the comfort of your anger and forgive the person that hurt you, remember forgiveness is for you.
With Love and Peace,
Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” Marianne Williamson
In my coaching practice, we focus on healing from the trauma, heartbreak, disappointments, and betrayal my clients have suffered. My goal is to help them put their healing first to create the life they want and not get stuck living the life they have. Forgiveness is one of the cornerstones of healing because you are just spinning your wheels without it. Holding on to the “thing” that someone did to you is like hitting yourself in the face repeatedly and expecting the person that hurt you to say ouch.
I get it; when someone has done you wrong, the last thing on your mind is to forgive them; you might even be thinking of ways to get even. However, forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself, and if you want to finally heal and move on with your life, you will have to acknowledge the unforgiveness in your heart.
Forgiving someone does not mean that you must forget what they did or that you must become best friends. Living in the past steals your present and taints your future. Your great future requires an attentive present. That’s not possible if you’re living in the past. Life is happening right now at this moment. Every moment spent in the past is lost forever. I want to invite you to reclaim your life by forgiving and moving on.
With Peace and Love,
Renee
PS Share this post with someone you love, and don’t forget to follow us, so you don’t miss part two of the series.
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
Too many women live their lives waiting for someone to see how great they are and give them the recognition they deserve. I get it; asking for what you want is scary; what if the other person says NO! So, we wait to get raises, promotions, or commitments in relationships. Well, it is time for that to stop. You have heard the old saying, “a close mouth doesn’t get fed.” It’s true. If your boss can get you to do great work and pay you less than you are worth, they will. If you have given your heart to your significant other along with all the emotional and financial support they need, but they are still taking you for granted and listing you at number two or three on their to-do list. They will not change until you ask them to.
You might be scared the answer is no, but if the answer is no, you will have a decision to make, whether to stay or go. If you’re the kind of woman who rarely says what you want or whispers your intentions, it will be difficult for others to hear, much less help you. Practice turning up your volume and declaring what you want. Speak your desires, increase your confidence by making decisions that benefit you, take charge of your life. Let your voice be heard.
I believe in you!
With Peace and Love,
Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
As human women, our first inclination when trouble strikes is to find a solution. We continue this journey trying many different tactics hoping that something will work. I should know, I tried so many different things to fix my relationships, lose weight, find peace doing a job I disliked, and just getting through what I perceived to be my daily grind. It is tough to gain control of your health if your life is in a continual state of chaos.
Belief in something greater can provide you with the foundation you need to heal and create the life you want and deserve. Spirituality is not just about going to church, temple, or synagogue. While standard religious practices may be a conduit for many to exercise their faith, it is not necessary to belong to a religious group to be spiritually healthy.
According to a study conducted by the University of NewHampshire, the benefits of spiritual wellness include:
· Developing a purpose in life.
Having the ability to spend reflective time alone.
Taking time to reflect on the meaning of events in life.
· Having a clear sense of right and wrong.
Having the ability to explain why you believe what you believe.
Caring and working for the welfare of others and the environment.
Being able to practice forgiveness and compassion in life.
Maintaining your spiritual wellness will help you deal with conflict in your life by keeping you focused and balanced. There are several ways to boost your spiritual connection, including yoga, meditation, prayer, and journaling.
These contemplative practices will allow you to quiet your mind and show yourself some much needed compassion. Try to add one of these tools to your daily routine; choose one and make it your mission to complete it each day for as little as ten minutes will help you feel more connected to your purpose, find meaning in life, and create lasting relationships.
Which spiritual tool will you incorporate into your daily routine?
With Peace and Love,
Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
You have just gotten through one disaster when here comes another one, the attacks are unrelenting, and you might be thinking of giving up, but what you really need is to take a breath. Yes, it would be nice to heal and reset before the next disaster, but life does not work like that; when it rains, it pours, or so the saying goes. Jesus said the Enemy has one job to kill, steal, and destroy, and he is relentless, especially when we decide to step into our God-ordained purpose.
So, before you give up, take a breath. Find a quiet corner, get comfortable and breathe. Focus on the calming sensation of your breath as you inhale and exhale. Allow the quiet to wash over you as you give thanks to the Lord. Do this regularly, and I promise you will feel better. You will have the energy you need to conquer your day.
Remember, you are stronger than you give yourself credit and more blessed than you know.
With Peace and Love,
Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast and the Courageous Woman’s Book Club founder. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
Let me begin by saying this is not an indictment of anyone’s parenting history or parenting style. Whether you decided to become a full-time, part-time, or no time parent is not the issue. This post is only meant to help you to prepare for the when your adult child comes to you and ask you why? Why were you so strict? Why didn’t you come to more of my games? Why didn’t you protect me? Why didn’t you raise me? Why did you have me so late in life? Why did you give me up? These are just some of the questions, I have helped my clients process over the years as they make peace with the mistakes they made as parents.
To be clear, regardless of all the parenting books, magazines, and programs you might have listened to while you were in the parenting trenches, you probably made some mistakes. We all do, no matter how hard we try to change, many of us fall back on the parenting style of our moms. This topic came to me as I processed my own parents parenting style and how it did not prepare me for life. My parents have passed away so I cannot ask them any of the “why” questions. But I was also not prepared to answer my children when they asked me why I parented the way I did.
I must admit at first I was angry and hurt at the thought or suggestion that I was anything but a model parent. I volunteered at their school, carpooled to all the after-school activities, introduced them to Jesus-that alone should have earned me a gold star. 😊 I cooked dinner and made sure they had desert each night. And I worked two jobs after their dad, and I divorced to take care of them.
I debated the merits of my parenting voraciously. Then I realized that my trying to argue and defend myself was futile. Children as you know grow into adults with thoughts and opinions of their own. The last thing I wanted to do was to create an irrevocable rift between us and I am guessing you probably feel the same way. So instead of angrily defending your parenting record try these tips instead.
Listen Actively: Give them your full attention, get rid of distractions, and focus on what they are saying. Do not try to over talk them or defend yourself to the point that you miss exactly what they are asking or saying.
Correct inaccuracies with love- please do not tell your child that they are lying, perhaps the way they remember an event is not entirely accurate. Just correct them gently with just the facts and refer them to someone who can collaborate your version of events if possible.
Show yourself some compassion: as mom’s we do not need anyone telling us we made mistakes or missed the mark; we do that quite well on our own. But this is not the time to beat yourself up for all the things you did not do, this is the time to acknowledge that you loved your children, and you did the best you could with the tools you had.
Beware of guilt: your child may try their best to make you feel guilty about missing their little league game or sleeping through their eight-grade graduation (that was me, sorry John). Feeling guilty serves no one and could hinder your ability to mend fences and create a better relationship with your child. You cannot go back and fix your parenting mistakes, but you can be the best parent to them now as adults.
Adult children are trying to figure out who they are, and why they are the way they are, this is the work all humans must do if they want to take their life to the next level. So even if you were the best mom in the world. They will need to take this journey of self-discovery. Their questions are probably not meant to hurt you but help them to process some angst they may be experiencing in their own lives. This is your time to help them navigate this part life’s journey and help them to prepare to become better people and better parents. Parenting never ends, no matter how old your children are, create a relationship with them as adults where you are not only their mom but their friend.
With Peace and Love,
Renee
Hi guys, my name is Renee. I am a Certified Coach and Yoga teacher host of the award-winning Welcome to Your Life Podcast, and the founder of the Courageous Woman’s Book Club. Thank you so much for checking out today’s post.
Midlife Made Easier 